Stand in your garden and shout ‘bang’!

First we were asked to spy on our neighbours – and report them for breaching the Covid regulations by having visitors.

Now it’s the Fire Service’s turn – asking us to spy on our neighbours and report their bonfires – before they light them!

It’s been a tough year for everyone – but particularly the kids who could now be facing a very dismal Christmas. With regard to Guy Fawkes Night the Covid regulations have meant the cancellation of all organised bonfires. Now it’s anyone having a bonfire for their kids – however small. And we’re being asked to report them.

Cheshire Firefighters say: “Due to Covid-19 and the current restrictions, and the fact that all professionally organised bonfires are cancelled, Cheshire Fire and Rescue Service is concerned that the spike they saw in garden fires at the start of lockdown may repeat itself around Bonfire Night.”

“This concern could well be realised if people decide to light bonfires and set off fireworks themselves. Starting any fire can be extremely dangerous and may lead to disastrous consequences so the Service is encouraging people to consider safer options to celebrate Bonfire Night that doesn’t involve flames or fireworks.”

Cheshire Fire and Rescue Service’s Deliberate Fire Reduction and Manager, Andy Gray added: “We do understand that people will want to celebrate Bonfire Night, but I would hope that this year they follow our advice and consider safer options.”

So there you have it, don’t have a bonfire, don’t have any fireworks and for God’s sake don’t have any visitors. We suggest you celebrate Guy Fawkes night with your kids by standing in your gardens and at 7 pm shout bang, bang – and maybe shine your torches into the sky.

Then again, the torches might distract car drivers or low-flying airline pilots – so cancel that.

And maybe don’t shout ‘bang’ too loudly – it might frighten the cat.

It would come as no surprise if next year the Fire Authorities point back to 2020 and use the distorted statistics as the basis for outlawing bonfires and fireworks altogether.

But if you’re intent on dobbing in your neighbours – report their unlit bonfires by calling 0300 123 5011.